(1) Voting. Close friends from Israel are visiting us and staying with us. Husband and wife, and their two younger sons, who are both in their 20s. The families have no generational connection with the United States – both of our friends were born in Israel; their parents were from Germany, Poland, Greece and Iraq. But for about three years around the year 2000, they lived in the United States, coincidentally in St. Louis, while our friend Yoram, who works for Israel Aerospace Industries, was working on a joint project with Boeing (don’t hold me to the details). During this time, their third son Amir was born, making him a birthright United States citizen.

As a United States citizen living abroad, Amir is entitled to vote in the American jurisdiction that he last lived in, subject to the laws of that jurisdiction. Amir left the State of Missouri when he was 2 and 1/2 to move with his family back to Israel. He has since been this country a number of times on vacations, but has never lived here again. Missouri law does not have a minimum age limit for ex pat voting. In other words, even though Amir left St. Louis County 24 years ago, he is entitled to vote as a resident of Missouri. The only trick is that he can only vote in federal elections (President, Senators and Congressperson). He can do that by absentee ballot from the comfort of his Israeli home.

I, on the other hand, was a resident of Missouri until I was 27, when I moved to the District of Columbia in 1969. The minute I switched my residence to DC, I lost the right to vote for a Senator, could only vote for a non-voting Congressional representative, and retained only the right to vote for president (a right DC voters received first in 1961 with the passage of the 23rd Amendment to the Constitution). I could not even vote for a mayor or other local officials until the passage of DC home rule in 1973.

Today, 67 years later, I still can not vote for a voting Congressperson or a Senator, while Amir can vote for both.

(2) In-store Purchasing. About ten years ago (don’t hold me to the details), something happened to the watch that Edie wore every day and she needed a new one. Just something simple. I remember going to Walmart on Georgia Ave (which opened in late 2013) and buying a Timex watch for her. I had worn a Timex for years (I bought mine years earlier at Dulles Airport when I had forgot to take a watch with me on a business trip, and stopped wearing it only when I decided to count my steps). She wore it until one day it disappeared. She and I both searched throughout the house; neither could find it.

The day before yesterday, I decided I would go to Walmart and buy her a replacement. I knew what her other one was like, and was certain I would find one she would find appropriate. We had talked before about going and buying a replacement (as we continued to look for the lost one), and she said (and I quote), “You know, if we buy another one, I will find the one I lost”. Close quote.

I drove to Walmart (I have to admit it; I like Walmart, even with all its sins), a 15 minute drive, parked in their cavernous garage, went through the door and up the escalator and found myself in the store, which always looks to me like it’s about the size of the King Ranch. I walked in the direction of where I remembered the watches should have been, but they were not there. I didn’t see them anywhere in the vicinity and asked a woman who was stocking things in the women’s department. Her response was (and I sort of quote), “Oh, we don’t have any watches on the floor right now. We’re remodeling, you know.” End sort of quote.

I did not know that they were remodeling, and although I looked in all directions to find evidence that they were remodeling, no such evidence appeared. And, I said to myself, “If I were remodeling, would I keep everything in its place, but remove the wristwatches?” It made no sense. But there was no reason to continue the conversation with the sweater stocker, so I left the store, rode down the escalator, found my car, and decided that I would go to Target, where I assumed there would be no remodeling in process.

I went to the Columbia Heights Target, on 14th Street, not really out of my way very much, drove into its cavernous garage, went up the elevator to the second level, where Target has its entrance. It’s a two level store, so does not quite have the Kings Ranch aura, but it is big nevertheless, and I had no idea where to go. So I asked a young man who stood near the door and had a sign hanging around his neck which said something like “Customer Assistance” or “Can I help you?” or something to that effect.

I asked him where the watches would be. His response was (and I quote), “On the second floor……if you’re lucky”. If I’m lucky? Well, he told me that they might have them and they might not, and if they did, they might only be smart watches, but you never can tell what they might have up there. Okay, I said, when I get up to the next floor, where do I go?

“Oh, yeah”, he said, and pointed me towards the elevators in the center of the store. “Go up the elevator and just do a U-turn.” That stopped me, because I knew that if I went up the elevator, exited the elevator and just did a U-turn, I would wind up back in the elevator. But I decided not to say anything. As I walked towards the elevator, he said “Look for the electronics section”.

I got off the elevator, and U-turned around its back, and went to the back wall. The sections of the store are marked on signs that hang down and I did not see one that said “Electronics”, so I began walking around the periphery of the store, until I got back to where I started, and there was no electronics section. I then looked at the listing of sections on a pillar somewhere in the store and saw that there was a listing of an “Entertainment and Electronics” section (which I admit did not sound promising), so I went back to the Entertainment section (which I had passed) and saw that there was no sign it was also an electronics section. All it had were video games and the like and things to play them on.

To add ____ to the mix (I forget the idiom), as I left the store, I asked a clerk where I could get my parking ticket stamped. “Oh, we stopped doing that”, she said (exact quote). So, my Target venture cost me $2 to retrieve my car.

Later that night I went online and ordered Edie a watch from Amazon. They told me it would be delivered tomorrow. I felt accomplished, if frustrated, because I like to give real stores (even if Walmart and Target) my money. (Maybe I should have tried Rodman’s – just thought of that now.) But at least she would have a watch.

Edie was upstairs. As I was about to tell her that she would have a new watch the next day, she said (and I quote) “Guess what? I found my watch”.

(3) Only in the USSR. This is a cute joke I heard, having nothing to do with America (yet), but with the Soviet Union. A dissident lived by himself in a Moscow apartment with only his parrot for company. One day his parrot, who wore an ID tag, disappeared. The man walked into KGB headquarters and reported the parrot must have been stolen. “Go the police, not the KGB”, said the official. The man responded, “I have. But I just want to report to you that I don’t agree with any opinions that that parrot has.” One day…..only in America?