I have been watching the pundits talk about what’s been going on in Russia the last few days. They have a lot to say, to be sure. Or at least they have a lot of ways to say it. Digging down into their broad experience and breadth of knowledge, they are basically saying “I have no idea”. This puts me on an equal footing, and I want to take advantage of it.

First, for those of my friends who look at every new twist in the world with the question: “So what does it mean for the Jews?”, I give the following unequivocal answer: “Nothing”.

Now, we can move on.

I am in the rare position of having deep contacts in Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, and therefore privileged to have information not available to the general public. Please do not share this sensitive information with anyone if you have any question about either their sanity or their loyalty.

You may know that Belarus is a place which has very tight immigration restrictions. We all know that millions of those displaced by world events would love to be able to rebuild their lives in the garden city of Minsk. And, if not in Minsk, perhaps in the resort town of Pinsk. The Belarus borders are teaming with the world’s downtrodden climbing over imaginary fences, swimming across rivers that don’t even exist, trudging through the bordering jungles, all to be able to bask in the generosity of the friendly Lukashenko government.

My good friend, Yevgeny (Gene) Prigozhin, was one of those who wanted to move to Belarus (a life long ambition), but he wanted to do it legally (he is a stickler for following the law) and did not want to become just another illegal alien. He did not have the patience to continue waiting in line for a White Russian Green Card, so he came up with a way to be admitted early, a way to jump the line. Taking a hint from Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals”, he decided to provoke those around him so that they would allow him to into Minsk as a way of stopping his annoying antics. Prigozhin has been annoying people for a long time. And starting a coup against the Russian government with his own army is the best example possible of a Big Annoy.

At least this is what I think happened. I sent Gene a note to see if he would deny this. He didn’t. He simply responded “You gotta be kidding”. See? That proves I am correct.

Now, you may wonder what The Big Prig is going to be doing in Minsk (or in Pinsk). He is no longer going to be a warlord, that’s for sure. His doctors have told him that it is not good for his blood pressure; that he had to find a more relaxing occupation. So for now, he is going back to his previous life work, starting as a short order cook at a local Belorussian KFC (you recall he was Putin’s chef, after he stopped selling hot dogs on the streets of Moscow). We will share the KFC address, hours and menu when everything is firmed up. By the way, a quick Google of KFC in Minsk shows me 26 locations (who knew?) and 3 in Pinsk (a much smaller town, of course). We will have to wait.

As far as Putin is concerned, as you might imagine, he knows nothing about this. He has been at his Black Sea dacha for the last several years, in semi-complete isolation, and – for the last two days – has been locked into his bathroom, which is guarded by so many Russian soldiers that there weren’t enough to prosecute the war against Ukraine, with you-know-what results. At any rate, it is expected that Putin will be notified within the next few weeks, so that his bathroom can at least be cleaned.

Meanwhile, my contacts in Ukraine say that they are cautiously optimistic that Prigozhin will enjoy his new life, that Putin will decide that his bathroom existence is the best he can hope for, and that the Russian army, now leaderless, will flee back across the border to Mother Russia, so that the Ukrainians can claim that their counter offensive was successful.

In the meantime, I am sure that the pundits on CNN and MSNBC will keep punditting (one t or two?) as if they know what is going on, and although I (who really has the skinny) wish I could keep you informed of what is really happening on a regular basis, in fact I cannot promise you that I will ever again return to this topic. Ever.