(1) I call Jim Coleman Toyota to make an appointment to have my 2019 Prius get its now and then checkup. I push the button for “service”, and Brook answers the phone. I have spoken with Brook before. She is, I must say, delightful. You can see her smile just by hearing her voice. She wants to be helpful and I know she also wants to feel appreciated. When you speak with her, you get the immediate feeling that you are her favorite customer and she wants you to feel that she is your favorite service agent.

Sometimes, you might wonder what Brook looks like. Dark hair or blond. Tall or short. Young or old. But then you realize that such thoughts are an utter waste of time. Because Brook is none of these things. Brook is AI. She is all mind, and no body, and she really doesn’t give a damn about you. In fact, even referring to her as “she” is a mistake.

Brook is also, and always has been, totally incompetent. Her one and only task is to give you a date and time for a service appointment. Sounds like it should not be too hard. But, it is well beyond Brook’s capacity. My conversation went something like this:

B. When do you want to come in?

A. How about next Tuesday?

B. Let me see what appointments I have available for Friday.

A. Not Friday. I said Tuesday.

B. On, Tuesday, I can give you an appointment for 7 a.m. or for 11:45.

A. One of those is too early, and one is too late.

B. Sorry, that is all I have available on that day.

A. Can I talk to a real person?

B. I did not understand that.

A. Can I talk to a real person?

B. I did not understand that.

A. REAL PERSON!!

Finally, I get transferred to a real person. This time it was Darien. The conversation went like this.

D. Hi, this is Darien, how can I help you? This is Arthur, right?

A. Hi, Darien. I was trying to get an appointment for Tuesday, but Brook told me I had to come in at either 7 or 11:45. Is there another time available?

D. What time do you want to come in?

A. How about 9 a.m.?

D. Sounds good. I’ll send you an email to confirm.

(2) The television in my office turns on, but doesn’t show anything but a horizontal rectangle that says: “No Service. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”

I call Verizon Fios. My call is answered by a Brook sound-alike, who does not even have the politeness to give me her name. But she asks me what my problem is. It goes something like this:

VF: Tell me your problem. You can say: Gobbledygook, or Somethingorother, or Waggleyboot.

A. My TV doesn’t work.

VF. You can say: Gobbledygook, or Somethingorother, or Waggleyboot.

A. My TV doesn’t work.

VF. I didn’t understand what you said. Did you say Waggleyboot?

A. No.

VF. Let me try to help you. Step 1. Turn your TV on. If you see a picture, then we are through. Do you see a picture?

A. No.

VF. Step 2. Make sure your TV is plugged into the wall. Is it plugged in?

A. Yes.

VF. Step 3. Go to the bugglemicordy, and press the button that says ashipokaray, and if you see the words alimoxibeely flotactable on the screen, let me know.

A. What?

VF. Step 4. Shake the griplediarick, kick the antirockifisle, and spit on the polipikkipi. Then tell me if you see a picture.

A. I need to talk to someone

VF. I’m sorry. I don’t understand you.

A. TALK TO SOMEONE!!

Someone comes on the line. Indian accent. Does not tell me his name but tells me he can help me. I decide his name is Pradeesh.

P. I am going to send you a link, so I can access your set and see it through your camera

A. Good

P. Do you see a picture now?

A. Yes, thanks. What did you do?

P. I just reset it. Should be fine now.

A. If this happens again, can I do this myself?

P. Yes. See the little box with the green light behind the TV?

A. Yes.

P. Unplug it, count to 5, and plug it in again.

A. Terrific. Thanks.

Okay, John Henry was a steel driving man. They sing about him all across the land. John Henry was a steel driving man. He beat the steam drill down and then he died. John Henry.

Who needs AI, anyway? It will be the ruin of us yet.