Who would have thought that on July 3, 2024, the biggest question in the American mind, a question being discussed on Newsmax and MSNBC, is what it’s like to be 81. Well, I have been 81 for over seven months, so I guess I am qualified to answer this question.

(1) The biggest thing on the mind of an 81 year old is the question: Will I live to be 82. (This, by the way, is a question that vanishes when the 81 year old in question reaches their next birthday.)

(2) People wonder if an 81 year old can take a series of flights between both the east and west coasts of the United States and Europe and have it take almost two weeks for him to recover. All I can say is that the last international trip I took was to Portugal about 10 months ago. I have not recovered yet.

(3) People wonder if an 81 year old remembers the name of his 6th grade teacher. He was Mr. Koger. People also wonder if an 81 year old can remember what he had for dinner last night. He can’t. (But it was really good, Edie.)

(4) People wonder if an 81 year old can think as quickly as, say, a 51 year old. (Let me think about that, and I will get back to it later. If I forget to, send me a reminder by IM. Don’task me what IM is.)

(5) People wonder about the decision making ability of an 81 year old. Let me assure you that it is fine. On second thought……..yeah, it’s fine. (I am pretty sure that is correct.)

(6) People wonder if an 81 year old is stiffer than when he was younger. Yes, and that is an advantage. (I assume the question is about maintaining a stiff upper lip)

(7) People wonder what the typical 81 year old thinks is the best invention of all times. That’s an easy one – the banister.

(8) People wonder if 81 year olds have any trouble remembering names. The answer is no. Let me give you some examples: William, Robert, George, Hermione, Elvis, Naomi, Clara, Donald and Joe. Those are all names. (But some 81 year olds do have trouble pulling up the names of their best friends or of people they have known a life time. But we have tricks. If I see someone I know and can’t remember their name right away, I just run through names alphabetically until I find one that matches. I start with Aardvark….)

(9) People wonder if 81 year olds are better from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. than at other times of the day. The answer is yes (on good days), but you should also remember that, during those six hours, they take two or three naps.

(10) People wonder if it is normal for an 81 year old to be in a televised debate that he has prepped for for over a week, and which his entire future and the future of the entire world depends upon, and “almost fall asleep”. The answer to this is, based on recent statistics, clearly “yes”. (And that’s a good thing because the typical 81 year old does not sleep at night very often. In fact, let me go back to point (9) because an 81 year old often finds that he does his best thinking between 3 and 5 a.m. It is during that time that an 81 year old will most intensely wonder if he will ever reach 82 – point (1) -, whether tomorrow is Tuesday or Sunday, what the name of that god-darned leader of Russia is, what the three parts of our nuclear triad are, and what’s the name of that guy I am to debate tomorrow – I think it may be Aardvark.)

(11) People often wonder what typical 81 year olds likes to talk about, and whether they too often repeat themselves. They like to talk about their past, but often they don’t talk about it enough. For example, take 81 year old President Biden – wouldn’t you like to hear about his youth in Scranton PA, and what his father talked about around the kitchen table after learning he was losing his job?

(12) Finally, what about health in general? What is a typical health goal for an 81 year old? Well, on this I cannot speak for everyone. But, for me? I just hope I can beat Medicare. I mean really beat it.

I hope this is helpful. Tomorrow, perhaps we will talk about the mental acuity of a typical, orange, overweight 77 year old.