Edie was cleaning out some old files yesterday, and she came upon my obituary. Of course, you know that I am still here, but apparently about 20 years ago – I assume when I turned 60 – I wrote my own obituary and gave it to Edie to use if it became necessary. Here is what I wrote:

“Arthur R. Hessel

Safeway Club Member

Arthur R. Hessel, a long standing and proud member of the Safeway Club, died today while crossing the Negev on a camel.

Hessel was the son of the later Meyer and Mildred Hessel of St. Louis, known by his former brother-in-law as Muck and Mire. His only sister, Joan Toby Laitman Eisenkramer, died several years ago, shortly before her 50th birthday, fulfilling her long standing desire never to grow old. Hessel is survived by his wife, the former (and who knows, maybe the future) Edith Tepper, who can be reached at murchnurse.@yahoo.com, and his daughters, Michelle and Hannah, both of whom resident within the Baltimore-Washington SMSA.

In addition to long years of service to the Safeway Club, Hessel also held a Ritz Frequent Photo Card, and was especially proud of his designation as a Hertz Gold Card member, which entitled him to see his name in lights whenever he landed at an airport with a state of the art Hertz facility. He was also an avid collector of things his wife felt not worth holding on to, and only wore button down shirts.

Know far and wide for his wisdom, Hessel was also active within his Jewish religious tradition, and was one of the few who held onto the old tradition of being shomer Tuesday. He only ate kosher meat at home (lucky, since his home was kosher) and had a poppy seed bagel every morning with his French Roast coffee. He had a lifelong ambition, which was to ride a camel across the Negev, which he was unable to completely refill.

Contributions may be made to the Clark Gable Museum or to the old car museum in Auburn Indiana, each a museum that no one ever contributes to. The Hessels will welcome guests at their home for the next six nights. They have turned the air conditioning full blast in observation of the traditional Jewish shiver observance.”

Of course, if I wrote this today, it would be much different, I think. For one thing, my Ritz Frequent Photo Card is now of limited value and wouldn’t be mentioned, and I have stopped using Hertz for reasons known only to Hertz and to myself.

The other obvious questions are (1) how could I have been so immature at 60 to write this obit, and (2) how could I be so immature at 81 to publish it in this otherwise serious blog.