Let’s see if I can say this in a way that makes sense to me. Not sure that I can.

A good friend is heavily involved in a new museum opening next month in Washington, a museum that we hope will become increasingly important. Tonight, in advance of the official opening, there was a “cocktail reception” by invitation only to view the opening special exhibit and see the building. We were invited and said we would attend.

We spent most of the day with out of town friends, having lunch and sitting on our back patio talking about the state of the world and everything in it. Most enjoyable. We then cleaned up, and freshened up, and got ready to go.

But for various reasons, we were ambiguous about going, and our ambiguity grew as we ventured forth. The museum is located in deep downtown DC, and we faced more traffic than we expected. We looked for street parking and found ourselves just losing out on two good spaces; none others appeared. We then saw the crowd moving into the museum (we were still in our car) and saw that they all seemed much more dressed than we were – men with suits, sport jackets, ties (I was in gray slacks and a blue button down shirt). We took all these as omens that we should turn around and go home, which we did. I was somewhat relieved.

OK, writing that part was pretty easy. Now it gets harder. The fact is that I like events like this only in two situations. First, if I know almost everyone there. Second, if I have a job to fulfill. This has always been the case – even in college (probably in high school), if I went to a gathering where I had neither function, nor friends, I would immediately turn into and remain a wall flower, unless someone, on their own accord, pulled me out of it. At gatherings such as this, as soon as I found a function (if I did), I would be fine. Was there a punch bowl? Let me stand behind the punch bowl and fill glasses. I will talk to everyone and feel right at home. But if the punch bowl runs out of punch……

Why was this? Why was it that I would feel that everyone there seemed to know everyone else…..but for me? Why was it that I would feel that everyone else knew the right thing to say, or had something to say, but me? Why is it that it would be clear to me that everyone there wanted to talk to everyone else, but no one was at all interested in talking to me? Even when I was talking to someone, I became certain in a moment or two that they wished they were talking to someone else.

This was not my reaction in any other situation. It was not my reaction where I knew many of the attendees. It was certainly not my reaction in, say, a school function. Or in a business function. Or if it was a gathering sponsored by, for example, a non-profit that I was active in. Or certainly not in a small grouping – say a dinner party. But put me in a stand up gathering with a bunch of people that I don’t know….

Tonight, this was compounded by the way others seem to be dressed. Since my retirement in 2012, and certainly since the beginning of the pandemic in 2020, I have not dressed up very often. Jeans, khakis, shorts – that’s about it. A sport jacket, now and then, but only because there was a nip in the wind. A suit? Not even to a funeral.

Now for the first 40 years of my work life, I wore a coat and tie every day. Didn’t think anything of it. Seemed natural. Seemed the thing to wear. Now, though? Sure, I wore a jacket at my daughter’s wedding, and to a few funerals (there even with a tie), but that’s about it. Who are these folks who knew that a “cocktail reception” at 5:30 on a Tuesday called for a coat and tie? What do I have in common with them? I don’t see many coats and ties on the streets even during the week – so I can’t conclude that they were just coming from the office. No, I think they spruced up to look spruced up at this function.

Well, as you know, Art is 80. He has a pretty good sense of who he is. He spends a lot of time with other people – family, friends, people he works with in his not-for-profit endeavors. He feels comfortable everywhere. He feels he communicates well in all of these situations. He knows what to wear. He knows when he would rather be home and when he would rather be out and about.

But put him (or even think about putting him) in a crowd like tonight’s at an event like tonight’s and he is just as he was when he was 19 and in college. He mentally transforms into a completely different person. He sees himself differently and he is certain that others see himself differently as well. He is no longer someone to befriend; he becomes someone to ignore. And when this happens, he doesn’t fight against it. He just gives in to it.

Well, I told you that I wasn’t sure I knew how to write this to make sense to me. I still don’t.