And now for a diversion – Read on.

I had to stick to my desk yesterday afternoon to get a bunch of things done, so I decided to put a movie on TV. The trick was that I needed something in English (can’t watch subtitles and not watch at the same time) and I didn’t want it to be too good (again, because I didn’t want to be diverted). I had no idea what I wanted to watch.

I turned on On Demand and looked at the various networks I subscribe to. I chose EPIX, because I figured that most of its films would fit my bill. Not good, but not too bad. Not surprisingly, I had heard of very few of the ones that popped up on my screen, and I chose one called “Ghosts Can’t Do It”. You have probably never heard of it, but its lead characters were the odd couple of Anthony Quinn and Bo Derek. I had never seen a Quinn film I didn’t like, and I only remember one Derek film, which was quite bad.

It turned out that “Ghosts Can’t Do It” is the worst film ever made. It was filmed in 1990. Bo Derek was 33 years old; Anthony Quinn was 75. They were extraordinarily happily married, but Quinn dies, and Derek doesn’t know what to do (she is totally hapless on all accounts). Quinn works it out with his angel (his angel is Julie Newmar, and he is her first dead human client) that he can communicate (by clear sound and blurry vision) with his beautiful widow, and help lead her through life. Now, I can’t tell you all the ins and outs, because I was only paying half attention for most of the movie. But……

at some point, Derek learned that she was the CEO of all of Quinn’s businesses and that there was a deal she had to negotiate in Hong Kong. She flew there with her business advisor (Don Murray) and she was not concerned about making any missteps because Anthony Quinn, from afar, was telling her what to do (Murray didn’t know this was going on, of course).

She enters a conference room in Hong Kong and sits opposed to her opponent in these negotiations. He is DONALD TRUMP!!!

We don’t see most of the negotiations, but she apparently succeeds, and Trump tells her that “she has won the situation”, but that there is more to come. She looks at him and says something like “You just like to make trouble, don’t you?”. He smiles back and says, “So you’ve noticed.”

Yes, you can’t make this up! But of course, someone did. And, in the credits, after all the the actors were listed, the next item was “Yes, that really was Donald Trump”.

Watching the film, I wondered how in God’s name, Anthony Quinn ever agreed to this dumb film (I don’t know the answer to that), and I was sure no one could be as bad an actor as Bo Derek. Until, I saw Donald Trump. You would think he could act, right? No, he can’t. I assume it’s because an actor has to take direction from someone, and that’s the last thing he could do.

I then went to Wikipedia and learned the following:

1. Donald Trump won a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Supporting Actor.
2. The film won a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture.
3. Bo Derek won a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actress
4. John Derek won a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Director

Now I know that the Golden Raspberries have been given every year for over 40 years. And I don’t know if they have ever taken all their Raspberries and ranked them against each other.

But if they had, “Ghosts Can’t Do It” would outrank them all.